Will you blow on my dice?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
