I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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