Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
