God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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