It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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