Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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