I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
