Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
