You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
pray to the hookup gods
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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