theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
