I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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