I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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