cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
