i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I still have a little drunk in my system
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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