You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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