he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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