Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
