I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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