He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
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Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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