I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
