I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
