I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
