also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
