I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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