do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
