so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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