I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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