I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
