see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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