just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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