i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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