you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
