dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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