Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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