"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
