Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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