Tell her she can't have a vagina
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
