miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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