we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
