when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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