someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
