The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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