You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i've created a new STD.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
