He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
