just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Is it because I queefed?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He passed out mid-signature
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
