Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
