I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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