she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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