The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
