well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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