Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
