After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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