apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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