doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
