I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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