She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
