Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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